Everybody's "love me not"

i dislike you.

dirtypinkalice@cs.com — Wed, 02 Oct 2002 19:41:18 GMT

and i know that is not fair. but... things arent really fair to me either. so, oh well.
i wish i had the nerve to say what i really meant.
i wish i had the strength to swallow what i feel and go on. but i cant.

all creativity has ceased at this moment.
i have lost my passion for almost everything, almost.
'cept the things i should.

i dont feel like going out. i dont feel like explaining to him what must be said, because it takes so much time and so many extra careful words and im afraid that he will not be understand. people make up their minds before i have a chance to complete my thought.

please, if you care at all, you will step lightly around me for awhile. im always careful for everyone else. a return of the favor would be nice. you know what hurts me.

a old friend of mine once looked at me said " Never, ever tell a man you will do anything and everything for him. he will use it against you." i think thats the only smart thing i heard come out of her mouth.

brace yourself: i'm bent with bitterness

Selfish bastards.

dirtypinkalice@cs.com — Tue, 01 Oct 2002 22:58:25 GMT

you could do something to try and make my life not quite so miserable, but yeah. that would be asking alot huh?

people dont understand that the things they do and say affect me alot more than they think.

overlooking the truth must be fun, i will try it some time.

If i deciede i cant do it anymore....

dirtypinkalice@cs.com — Sat, 28 Sep 2002 16:29:54 GMT

I want you now
Tomorrow won't do
There's a yearning inside
And it's showing through
Reach out your hands
And accept my love
We've waited for too long
Enough is enough
I want you now

My heart is aching
My body is burning
My hands are shaking
My head is turning
Do you understand
It's so easy to choose
We've got time to kill
We've got nothing to lose
I want you now

And I don't mean to sound
Like one of the boys
That's not what I'm trying to do
I don't want to be
Like one of the boys
I just want you now

Because I've got a love
A love that won't wait
A love that is growing
And it's getting late
Do you know what it means
To be left this way
When everyone's gone
And the feelings they stay
I want you now

*cries*

dirtypinkalice@cs.com — Fri, 27 Sep 2002 21:51:53 GMT

im breaking.

he said i had eyes like broken glass

dirtypinkalice@cs.com — Fri, 27 Sep 2002 00:30:39 GMT

oh my.
i want EVERYTHING.
except for you.

what ever happened to "everythings going to be ok"?

dirtypinkalice@cs.com — Thu, 26 Sep 2002 00:15:59 GMT

i just seem to absorb the blame for everything.
i dont know when i supposedly became such a horrible person but everyday i hear more and more things ive supposedly done.
i think people really need to get lifes and stop trying mess mine up.
i do a fine job of that myself, thank you.

i get to glow dance glow dance glow tommorow.

shawn and i went to hope conspiracy.

my god. what a day.

someday! i promise! i will get to use that damn happy icon!

i am too scared to close my eyes

dirtypinkalice@cs.com — Wed, 25 Sep 2002 04:10:59 GMT

:(

walk away was never easy for anyone.
everyone needs to please stop expecting so much from me.
and to stop telling me what i "deserve" or what i should do.
for once, im trying to live for me.
im not up for the dating scene.
i dont want to be alone, but im not on the search.
why cant guys be just friends with me?

i dont want to have to hide, but i think thats whats best for me right now.
why are you making living so damn hard?

if i walked away tonight
would you even notice, or would you even care
i start to wonder if you would even cry if i went to sleep
and never woke
i never knew someone like you could exist
so many times i gave up the fight
and i should have just left then
but something always calling me back to angels
and sometimes i just think to myself
why.

i am going to be something you can never have.

Just so you know

dirtypinkalice@cs.com — Tue, 24 Sep 2002 19:27:11 GMT

This is MY journal
if you dont like it, you do not have to read it.
dumbasses.
i can say what i want, i can swear if i want, i can talk about who i want.
my life.
go away.

oh p.s.
stop trying to hump on me.
its quite unattractive, and frankly. i dont care much for many people of the male gender.

dirtypinkalice@cs.com — Sat, 21 Sep 2002 04:20:35 GMT

Who ever told joe that i cheated on him... when i found who you are you can count on not being a part of my life.
I NEVER EVER CHEATED ON HIM
i didnt even sleep with my current boyfriend until at least a month after joe did what he had done, so all of you so called friends can fuck off.
you WILL NOT ruin my reputation.

I AM DONE WITH ALL OF YOU.
Fuck you.
Dont count on talking to me ANYMORE.
this is the fucking end of you lying about me

and P.S. YOU all know NOTHING about randall and i SO dont EVER pretend that you do. your simple minds could never grasp this concept. dont ever give me your sympathy or pity i dont want it OR NEED IT. GO AWAY>

dollie faced angel? i think not.... full of doom? just maybe :)

dirtypinkalice@cs.com — Sat, 21 Sep 2002 03:36:47 GMT

always remember:
anything you can do....
i can do 100 fucking times meaner.

i just opened my mail. i have a credit card :D
more tattoos or piercings tommorow? Why, yes. Thank You.

im a million different things at once. and you dont need any of them?

dirtypinkalice@cs.com — Fri, 20 Sep 2002 01:41:41 GMT

"I miss you dearly, and I think about you often ;)"

miss? me? but... how... does.. one?? do that.

dirtypinkalice@cs.com — Fri, 20 Sep 2002 00:31:34 GMT

my father is holding me and my car captive tonight.
i had many plans tonight.
wrestling.
glowing like mad at star bar afterwards.
instead, im alone in my room.
smoking.
playing final fantasy 9.
listening to the storm outside.
i hate being alone in storms.
im not meant to be home tonight.
i have much to write.
but... im just swimming in my thoughts for the moment..

i wont be sane by morning

dirtypinkalice@cs.com — Tue, 17 Sep 2002 03:46:03 GMT

please please dear god anything please if you read this call me please i am very sick and nightmares and please just call me i dont care when

Fornicating under consent of king.

dirtypinkalice@cs.com — Sun, 15 Sep 2002 15:34:22 GMT

Hmm. crazyness these past few days. havent been online since thursday night and this is a very good thing.

Lots of realizations going on.
*shakes head*

Met lots of crazy crazy people. danced with hot bois. got kisses on mah cheeks from kute kute girlys <3 just lots of very yummy people... still doesnt feel right though. i cant touch or be touched by just anyone. no matter how beautiful.

people are weird. i actually wear color to the club and people freak out. oh no!!! color! i think i blinded some goth kids :D some guy was like WOW thats so kewl! "im gonna wear color next week"... yeah... freak. :P

today i am going to see *drum roll please* MEG LEE CHIN!!! im gonna put my hair up all crazy and spiky with mah goggles.

i have bruised ribs, and this will be my 4th day in a row dancing. *ouchie*

growl. bad dreams...
im confused as to how i feel today.

dirtypinkalice@cs.com — Fri, 13 Sep 2002 06:13:07 GMT

im thinking of a girl whos sad tonight, and shes far too beautiful inside and out to feel so down...*sends her hugs*
*smile* ill come see you soon and make you smile....

i watch your personalitys split before my very eyes.

dirtypinkalice@cs.com — Fri, 13 Sep 2002 05:51:20 GMT

Pull into my driveway, 2 am. lights off.
some dumb ass in the road steps in front of my car and yells HEY!!!
i get out.
"you need to slow down when you come down this road"
me: "you need to not stand in the middle of the fucking..."
"MA'AM! excuse me! i am a police officer. slow down."
Hes fucking lying. im gonna go call the cops now and get him in trouble for pretending to be a cop. bad thing to do in detroit, fuckhead :)

sleep...doesnt sound good, although i know i have to wake up so very early.
if someones awake at 5 am and has my cell number,call me. please :( ill never get up in time...

-calm down- my heart feels like a mindless song hahaha.

i do believe i am long overdue for a visit to Ms. Nine. yuck.

*the trick is to keep breathing*

nothing to say? yeah. i know.
you'll see.

dirtypinkalice@cs.com — Wed, 11 Sep 2002 04:44:07 GMT

She takes the pills to fall asleep
and dreams that she's invisible
Tormented dreams she stays awake
recalls when she was capable...

dirtypinkalice@cs.com — Tue, 10 Sep 2002 01:16:45 GMT

The King Of Compliments and hand kissing,Mr.shinygoth13 is going to attend the ren fest with me next sunday.
i do believe this will be a fun day.

but my mind is preoccupied.
im worried.

*stares at the phone*

be well. be safe.
please.

you said : hearts warm up when you see people:

dirtypinkalice@cs.com — Tue, 10 Sep 2002 00:39:22 GMT

My main concern here... well. you know.

Hopes are funny funny little sorts of emotions. they will toy with you, if you let them.
and i try very very hard, to not get these hopes. and i tell myself everyday i do not. but i still feel them. they feel like little tiny fireflys in your heart. warm and flying. hopes will make you forget everything bad, which is not always a good thing.

i will be strong, and i will try to make it through.
thats what my mind says.
but my fireflys are telling me otherwise.

Don't believe anything that girl says...

dirtypinkalice@cs.com — Mon, 09 Sep 2002 01:30:38 GMT

You said you would call today.
And stupid me, i waited all day.
Must have checked that phone cord a million and one times...
Someone else asked me exactly what you could say that i could wait so damn hard for.
And i, of course, answered with "Something" and a quick grin.
But i was lying...to hear ANYTHING at all from you, now that would be something.
Theres no substance here, but still.
I'll push and push, until you've worn me thin once again.
And ill call you and scream and swear and promise you that the first train i can get, i will take. i will kill you the second i see you.
But that train never comes, and i never leave. because! if i leave i might miss your call.
But i mean it, one of these days.
Im just going to leave you behind.

dirtypinkalice@cs.com — Sat, 07 Sep 2002 18:54:52 GMT

no one here to promise me a damn thing.
every day i just do the same things over and over again, and every day i come home and feel like this.
i just woke up. its 3pm.
i had the most horrible horrible dreams last night.
i had two babies, and somehow i managed to kill them both.
i also dreamt you kept kissing me.
(not that thats horrible)
i manage to keep fooling myself.
i do not love Guy.
he knows this.
i dont tell him i love him, because i know longer do.
and more or less, i never i did. because who was then was a lie.
just another person lying to me to make themselves happy.

i also realized why i hate phones so much.
because i never get good news on them.
and then i thought about it some more.
and ive never gotten good news, not even to my face.
think about it, all this time and no one has ever come to me with some great news i wanted to hear about my life.
thats sad.
and trust me, ive tried. this isnt because im lazy.
i do everything in my power to try and make everything ok, and it never matters.

i hope this is just pms. but even if it is, its pms on top of lonliness and sadness. and i just dont want to deal with it.

i want happiness, even if it just a chance at it. i want kids, i want a good job, i want my family back, i want a warm bed with someone in it. i want someone to come home to, and wake up to.

besides, hearts are broken every day.

dirtypinkalice@cs.com — Sat, 07 Sep 2002 06:55:35 GMT

i was just informed that dally in the alley is tommorow.
i have to work at 6.
randall hates street festivals in the ghetto.
looks as though i am not going this year.

i just got home from city and i have a huge headache.
...and i dont feel very *well*.
no sadness tonight. that was my rule. well, all my rules for tonight were completely blown.

i knew this was what was going to happen. i told you. no, i didnt, fine then. i told myself! i hate it! hate it! hate it! growl. time to state my opinion, i do believe.
i hate computers, dont you see???

randall dyed my hair today. my mother is going to kill me when she wakes up. oh well. at least ill be dead for work, and working in a halloween store, maybe thats a good thing.

i will not say what i am really thinking. because i promised this wouldnt be like that.

the girls who try to look like twiggy tried to kiss my ass tonight. i wasnt having ANY of that.

someone told me "you better be treating him good". if that had come from anyone else i would have told them to fuck off. but this time i'll let it slip. cause look at me, im just the nicest girl ya ever ever met ;D

pms sucks. i sobbed for a hour today because someone called me a name. how lame.
time to go mope in bed and watch sad movies. woo hoo >:)
COME HERE.
now hehehehe.

dirtypinkalice@cs.com — Fri, 06 Sep 2002 19:20:23 GMT

Someome stole my poison the well cd.
and now i have no poison the well in my car.
someone will die.

If you kissed me now i wouldnt let you stop.

dirtypinkalice@cs.com — Fri, 06 Sep 2002 01:16:22 GMT

Me in a cheesy 80's thrift store dress.
Complete with built in satin waist cincher and poofy skirt.

dirtypinkalice@cs.com — Thu, 05 Sep 2002 21:59:38 GMT

Hmph.
Tonight i will take new pictures in cheesy 80s dresses and red nail polish and see if i feel better
Probably not.

I have alot to do.
Im starting to pack up my things.
Getting rid of alot.
Selling alot.
Putting pictures and keepsakes away from prying eyes and hands that sometimes want to break them.
i have mail to send and letters to write.

i want one good night. no phones. no computers. no anxiety. no sadness. just pure goodness.